The Love Dare - Day 8

Day 8: Love is not jealous - "Love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire."— Song of Solomon 8:6 NIV

I've never thought of myself as being a jealous person; however, after reading today's lesson, I guess we all are jealous in some way. According to the Love Dare book, there are two forms of jealousy. Legitimate jealousy: jealousy FOR someone. Does your spouse spend too much time at the watching TV? Did s/he have an affair? Then, you are jealous FOR that person's time and affection. Illegitimate jealousy: jealousy OF someone. Did your spouse just get a big promotion and raise and now make more money than you? Then, you are jealous OF that person's belongings or success. Both types of jealousy are found in marriage as well as in other relationships. The key is to be able to find true joy in your spouse's joy and successes without being jealous. It goes back to the old phrase: "What's yours is mine and what's mine is yours." Matt and I truly follow this (except when it comes to the last Nutty Buddy in the freezer and then it's JUST MINE! - Just kidding, he can have it if he really wants it, but I'm going to sulk a little).

Day 8 Dare: Determine to become your spouse’s biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy. To help you set your heart on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday’s list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it. Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed.

Although it was easier to make the negative list, I still felt much relief yesterday when after making my two lists, my negative list was much shorter than my positive list. I'm looking forward to burning the negatives and really dwelling on the many, many, many positive characteristics of Matt. I have to say that I'm really good at truly being happy for Matt when he excels or succeeds at something. I can't imagine being jealous about that. I am however, jealous FOR Matt's time when he spends every Saturday at his parents' farm. It's something I'm constantly working on and trying not to dwell on as I know he loves to do it.

Lord, thank you for creating me as a person who deals well with jealousy. Help me to continue being able to control jealousy in my marriage as well as other relationships I have. Amen.

The Love Dare - Day 7

Day 7: Love believes the best - "Love chooses to believe the best about people."

The book talks about two rooms in the depths of your heart. The first is the Appreciation Room where positive thoughts and feelings about your spouse are stored. The second is the Depreciation Room where negative feelings and ammunition for arguments live. In the beginning of your relationship, the Appreciation Room is the only place you visit, but after marriage, the Depreciation Room tends to be the place that people spend lots of time. We forget those things that we appreciate about our spouse as daily life gets in the way and we tend to depreciate them, just like a car depreciates. The more we drive the car, the more used to it we get. We forget why we bought it in the first place and start complaining about the things that are "wrong" with it.

Day 7 Dare: For today's dare, get two sheets of paper. On the first one, spend a few minutes writing out positive things about your spouse. Then do the same with negative things on the second sheet. Place both sheets in a secret place for another day. There is a different purpose and plan for each. At some point druing the remainder of the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and think your spouse for having this characteristic.

Matt has many positive traits, but some of them are so hard to put into words. I found that the negative list was easier to compile, but it was shorter than the positive list. I have hidden the lists in my night stand drawer and will pull them out when it appears in another dare. I imagine I will be revisiting the lists soon. But, since I will be showing this blog to Matt at the completion of the Love Dare, I will not be publishing the either positive or negative. It's for us only.

Lord, thank you so much for giving Matt to me. I love him so much. Amen.

The Love Dare - Day 6

Day 6: Love is not irritable - "People who are irritable are locked, loaded, and ready to overreact."

Boy isn't that the truth? Have you ever just sat and stewed over something that made you mad? The more you think about it, the madder it makes you and then, when given the chance, you fly off the handle and react out of anger or irritability. You feel better for a few minutes and then realize that you've hurt someone's feelings or bruised their ego. It's hard to exercise self-control when I'm irritable. It's almost like being irritable (especially if Matt is the one that irritated me) gives you permission to act in a way you normally don't act. Stress, not getting enough sleep, not eating right, etc. are all things that make me irritable. My primary love language is "Acts of Service" and when things are not done around the house when I think they should be done, it really gets me going.

Day 6 Dare: Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin by making a list below of areas where you need margin in your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life.

Matt got called into work at 4:00 this morning for an emergency situation, so he was gone all day. I feel sorry for him when he has to go into work, but I used to get irritated about it, especially when he misses church. Today, I did not. I made a special effort to pray for him at work and pray that his day went well so he could get home and rest. Since there were no "tough marriage circumstances" today, I took the rest of the day and I concentrated on things that I could do to create margin in my life. I just kept thinking about how I try to squeeze as much as possible into a 24 hour period of time and it seems like I never get everything done. I'm sure this is a common problem, but it's definitely a source of irritation for me. So, I would say that I need to create some margin in my life to allow a little bit of relaxation time to re-energize myself. Something else...meal planning. I can't stand coming in from work right at dinner time and scrambling around looking for something to feed the family. It's a definite source of irritation and tends to get me all riled up. I had trouble with the "wrong motivations" section, so I'll continue thinking about that.

Lord, thank you for being a constant source of peace in my life. Help me to remain happy and content and to overlook sources of irritation. Amen.

The Love Dare - Day 5

Day 5: Love is not rude - "The bottom line is that genuine love minds its manners."

I hate rudeness, so I'm very conscious about it and try not to be rude. It's amazing how being rude to someone can bring out the worst in them. It's a vicious cycle. You're rude to someone, it's ruins their day and they turn around and are rude to someone else. I've worked in customer service and had to train myself to ignore the rude behavior's of others. It's difficult for me. Husbands and wives can be rude to each other without even realizing it. Sometimes, it's in our unspoken actions, sometimes it's in our words.

Day 5 Dare: Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only.

I found this dare very difficult. The most difficult, by far. It was especially hard because Matt doesn't know about my Love Dare. Fortunately, it happened on Valentine's Day and I was able to work it into a conversation that we were having about how good our week had been. Meaning not ONE single argument about anything. Anything. I asked Matt what were some things that I did that irritated him. He really had to think on it and then said the only thing he could think of was the negativity, which I had already corrected. Wow. I'm not sure if I just put him on the spot or if there really isn't anything else. Well, if this was Day 5, I can't imagine how much harder this will get. I haven't read ahead and I don't plan on it. I think it will be scary to read ahead and that's why I'm taking it one day at a time.

Lord, thank you so much for a wonderful husband that loves me for who I am. I can only hope and pray that this challenge brings us closer to each other and to You. Amen.

The Love Dare - Day 4

Day 4: Love is thoughtful - "Love thinks. It's not a mindless feeling that rides on waves of emotion and falls asleep mentally."

I am a very thoughtful person. Actually, I'm probably one of the most thoughtful people you will ever meet. I'm always checking in on people to see how they are feeling after surgery or calling to see how their presentation went. However, I think I just assume Matt doesn't need or deserve my thoughtfulness. I don't make it a point to ask him if he had a good day or how work is going. It's very important to our relationship for him to know that he deserves to be treated with courtesy and thoughtfulness at all times. "Love thinks" is a great motto. You shouldn't just always fly by the seat of your pants when it comes to love. You have to put thought into it and be creative. You don't have to buy something every time you want to show your thoughtfulness. Sometimes a simple gesture can go much further. I know it would in my house.

Day 4 Dare: Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them.

This dare was easy for me as Matt and I talk to each other several times a day. However, he's usually the one who calls me to see how my day is going. I beat him to it today. I called him a little after lunchtime just to see how he was doing and to tell him that I would be home before him today for a change. I get off early on Fridays and I thought I would take that opportunity to ask if there was anything I could do for him when I got home. He couldn't think of anything, but appreciated the thought. Ahhhh...thoughtfulness.

Matt has actually mentioned several times today that my mood has been wonderful for the past few days. I just smiled and told him I didn't know what he was talking about. He told me to keep it up. His mood has been better, too. It's amazing how losing the negativity can rub off on him and create a domino effect.

Lord, I am already feeling the positive effects of this challenge. Help me to be open to the dares still to come and lead me thru this. I'm leaning on You. Amen.

The Love Dare - Day 3

Day 3: Love is not selfish - "Love is never satisfied except in the welfare of others."

The things we put our interest, priorities, money and time into are the things we love. Think about it this way...we say that we "love" to go out to eat or that we love to read a good book. Really? Do we love these things or just enjoy doing them? I'm going to go with the second choice and say that I just enjoy doing those things. So really, we should not put those false "loves" in front of our true love - our spouse. If I want to read a book or make some cards or play online I should make sure to ask Matt if there is anything he wants to talk to me about or if he would like to spend a few minutes together before I go off to do my own thing.

Day 3 Dare: Whatever you put your time, energy, and money into will become more important to you. It's hard to care for something you are not investing in. Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says, "I was thinking of you today."

I pondered this dare all day today. Matt is very difficult to buy for and really doesn't ever want or need anything. My first thought was to buy him a can of Skoal, which is the kind of tobacco he uses. I usually will not be a party to his bad habit. But, I knew it would be something he would truly appreciate. Then, I tossed around the idea of getting him a card, but since Valentine's Day is in 2 days, that wasn't really a good idea since I've already gotten him a card for that. I threw around some other ideas before I emailed my friend Laura to see if she had any suggestions. Lo and behold, she suggested I get him his favorite brand of tobacco. Ahhh, she knows Matt, too! So, that justified my first thought and I stopped on the way home and got him not one, but two cans of Skoal. I handed them to him a few minutes after the kids and I got home. I told him that I had seen them on sale (it was the truth) when I stopped to get gas and it made me think of him, so I picked them up for him. He thanked me and told me that I probably didn't get a good deal. Plus, he had just bought a whole roll on his way home. BACKFIRE! Oh well, it was the thought that counts, right? Also, in addition to not saying anything negative today, I also sat in the living room and played Blackjack with Matt for a while before we went to bed. It's his favorite game and he's always begging me to play with him. He was shocked when I told him I would play! We had a good time.

So, I'm just going to keep plugging along each day. Adding each dare as it comes along. I know they will get more difficult as the days go by, but I'm up for the challenge. Are you?

Lord, thank you for the positive response I have had so far. Help me to remember that it's not just about me. Amen.

The Love Dare - Day 2

Day 2: Love is kind - "Love makes you kind. And kindness makes you likeable."

I know Matt loves me. But does he like me? I hope so. But, I know I'm not always likeable. Who is? We would by lying to ourselves if we said we are always likeable. So, a solution? Be kind. Have you ever thought about how difficult it is to dislike someone that is always kind. I'm very kind to everyone. Wait a minute. I'm lying. I'm not always kind to Matt. There are some times that I am downright nasty to him, but he loves me anyway. I can tell he doesn't like me at those times, but I bet if I was nice to him, he would like me. My goal is to be likeable. All the time.

Day 2 Dare: In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.

For today's dare, along with not being negative, I packed Matt's lunch for him and left him a sweet note in his lunchbox. I know that may not seem as if it is a big deal, but it's something that he does every night and rarely do I offer to pack it for him. He even takes the same thing each day. I packed it almost as soon as I got home from work. I didn't want him to beat me to it. He didn't notice it for quite some time, but right as he was coming to the bedroom from his shower, he told me thank you for packing his lunch. He also sent me an email this morning thanking me for the note in his lunchbox. I know he was grateful and guess what...I bet he really liked me at that moment.

Lord, keep me strong and faithful. I know the challenges will get more difficult as I continue thru this book. Amen.